Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a Fraud

people-pleaser

When it comes to self-assertion, we are backwards thinking, incompetent, fumbling, fools.

And so we should be. We’ve rarely had any practice stating what we want. We’re are more adapted at suppressing what we want, as if it were bad or wrong in some way.

We suppress our desires when we’re alone, and we obliterate them when we’re around other people. This applies, not only to desires, but to opinions, needs, and even basic individual rights.

Inexplicably, the less intimate we know someone, the more ‘pleasing’ we become while neglecting the needs of loved ones and good friends.

So intense is our need to not be the source of irritation, disappointment, anger, contempt, or dislike that we go to great measures to please everyone around us; usually at our own detriment.

We disregard our feelings in favor of the feelings of others so we can please everyone around us. So that we can be liked and thought of favorably.

Too many of us walk around with our heads down trying to remain small and inconspicuous; especially when we’re in front of the nameless, faceless ‘everyone.’

It’s time for you to stand up for what’s right for you, and stop standing for what’s right for everyone else. No one has more vested interest in you, than you.

People Pleasing Is Poison To Your Integrity & Toxic to Your Self-Esteem

What’s the difference between Poison and Toxic? Aside from the fact that they’re both mysteriously capitalized? Nothing. I simply needed two different words to make the headline compelling.

Poisoning Your Integrity

When your behavior matches your internal convictions and beliefs, you have achieved personal integrity.

In other words, when what you think, what you say, and what you do are harmonious, you’re an individual of integrity.

This is an impossible task for the people pleaser.

When you put your own needs aside for the sake of others, you’re sending yourself a litany of harmful messages:

  • First and foremost, you’re saying that you are less important than others. It’s no wonder you feel so much self-loathing.
  • You’re telling yourself that you’re a two-faced liar. You think one thing, but what you say and how you act is in-congruent with your thinking.
  • You send the message to everyone that you’re a doormat with no self-respect.

You act as if you don’t have a right to exist for yourself and live for your own expectations and desires. You cannot exist for anyone else, so will you choose a path of slow emotional and mental suicide, or will you come out of the shadows and assert your right to shine your own unique color of light onto the world? Tweet this

Toxic Waste On Your Self-Esteem

Personal integrity can’t be attained without self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the sum of your self-confidence and self-respect. A people pleaser lacks the proper amount of self-respect to be self-assertive.

They’re not ok just being themselves without some kind of external validation. What’s more is that they are uncomfortable with the silence that comes with focusing on themselves rather than others.’ They’re much more adept at tending to the problems’ of those around them, and it’s not uncommon for them to use people pleasing as a way to avoid self-reflection.

How you judge yourself, which manifests as your self-esteem, will determine how far you’re willing to go to please others at the expense of your own happiness.

The more you say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘f#ck no,’ the more you set aside your own needs to accommodate others, the more you turn your back on yourself in favor for serving everyone else, the more you erode your reputation with yourself (your self-esteem). 

What would you think if someone treated you like that? How would you feel if your best friend or partner consistently put your needs aside to accommodate others? How hurt would you be when they turned their back on you? Would you hold them in high esteem? You would most-likely despise them and, because you hate them so much, they would continue to turn their back on you to find acceptance somewhere else.

This is exactly what you do to yourself when you insist on pleasing others.

To add insult to injury, not only do you shit all over yourself, but you can also add resentment to the heap of emotional baggage you’ve accumulated; those with high self-esteem will not be willing to reciprocate your self-sacrifice, making you feel cheated.

It doesn’t even matter who you sacrificed yourself for and who you are resenting. They aren’t always the same person or entity.

Let me demonstrate the toxicity of your self-sacrificing, yes-man, doormat-like behavior:

  • You sacrifice everything for those around you (coworkers, classmates, family members, etc), yet you feel as if all your concessions have gone unnoticed.
  • When you don’t see the same type of self-sacrifice in your relationships with others, you begin to feel resentful, however you can’t stop the habit of self-sacrifice because you think it’s the only way people can like you.
  • You begin to take out all of the pent-up resentment out on the people closest to you because you already have a firmly established relationship with them and you need somewhere to displace this anger you’re feeling.
  • Your intimate relationships suffer while your relationships with others around you become more and more strained by your resentment. You begin to secretly despise everyone while pretending to be the picture of amiability.
  • You now start to hate yourself for being such a pushover and you have vivid daydreams about what you want to say to so-and-so the next time they ask you for such-and-such. Then you have nightmares about what would happen if you said no.
  • Everything explodes into a pile of panda shit.

See where this pattern fits into your life and then derail it before it gets any worse.

People Pleasing Behavioral Warning Signs

Not sure if you’re a people pleaser or just nice?

Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered.

  • Do you yearn for external validation?
  • Do you worry about what people will think about you if you say no?
  • Do people always ask you for favors because they know they can count on you to say yes?
  • Do you worry that people won’t like you if you say no?
  • Do you think you might be rejected or alienated if you say no?
  • Do you consistently put the well-being of others in front of your own well-being, regardless of the damage done to yourself?
  • Do you often feel resentful towards others?
  • Are you passive aggressive about your resentfulness?
  • Do you wonder if others are actively taking advantage of you – weather they mean to or not?
  • Do you often offer yourself to others’ because you feel invisible?
  • Do you feel inadequate in and of yourself?
  • Do you believe conflict with others is always a bad thing?
  • Are you positive that you do more than what’s required from you for everyone?
  • Do you have a hard time recognizing the difference between being needed and being loved?
  • Do you lack confidence in what you do? Do you have a hard time taking credit for success?
  • Do you often overcommit and overpromise?
  • Would you rather be dishonest than be the source of disapproval?
  • Is ‘being selfish’ one of the worst possible traits anyone could attribute to you?
  • Do you wonder why everyone treats you like shit when you’re so nice?
  • Are you often plagued by guilt when you physically can’t do something for someone?

The more frequently you answered ‘yes’ to these questions, the more dominant the people pleaser inside of you is; the more depressed you feel.

Additionally, there’s a very obvious difference between being a naturally nice person, and being a people pleaser. Nice people don’t have a problem asserting their own wants and needs. They don’t let others push them too far and they don’t do things they’re uncomfortable with. People pleasers are far more likely to suffer discomfort as long as it makes someone else happy; all the while pretending that they’d love nothing more than to clean the dog shit off your shoes.

Being a people pleaser always makes you a liar and a fake. The two are inseparable.

Kicking The People Pleaser Inside You To The Road Without Feeling Like You’re Stealing Candy From a Baby

It’s easy for us to feel like monsters once we cease putting so much importance on what others want – especially when we’ve been a dedicated people pleaser for most of our adult lives.

It’s a feeling you’ll need to endure if you want to overcome your inability to act on your own behalf and on your own terms.

Know your worth.

The first step is, and always will be, for you to believe that you are just as valuable as everyone else around you. What you want is just as valid, and how you feel is just as relevant.

You have the right to exist for yourself. Claim that right. Live that right. Only then will you be able to successfully kill the people pleaser inside you once and for all.

Identify your boundaries.

This is especially important if you have a hard time denying people you love.

What is unacceptable to you? What sort of behavior will you no longer tolerate?

Make these boundaries clear and make them known to your loved ones.

Tell your husband that you’re tired of cooking and that you’re going to stop no matter how much he whines. Tell your wife you’re not going shopping with her anymore.

Try not to all of a sudden become a hard ass; you’ll give your family whip lash and they’ll just think you’re moody.

Take Responsibility For Yourself & Only For Yourself

You’re responsible for your own happiness and that’s it. You are not responsible for the happiness of those around you. If your actions make others happy, that’s awesome. If your actions make others unhappy, and your actions don’t violate their rights in any way, that’s their problem.

You cannot assume responsibility for the happiness of everyone you come in contact with. That is an impossible and idiotic task.

If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, it’s because you’re letting people take advantage of you. You may not have known before, but now you do and taking action on that knowledge is up to you.

Stop censoring yourself for fear of upsetting someone. If you have a movie night with your partner and it’s your turn to pick and you want to watch Pretty Woman, then by golly, you should watch pretty woman no matter how much your partner pouts. Their reaction to your right to choose is not your problem. That’s their problem.

And in all honesty, if they’re going to pout over a movie I think you should reconsider your decision to make them your mate.

Finally, don’t apologize for your boundaries. It gives the impression that you’re not willing to enforce them and it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong by having them.

Don’t. Be. Sorry. Be proud. Be strong.

Learn how to say no with dignity and grace.

When someone asks you for something you don’t want to give (whether it be time, a favor, an object, love, etc) don’t feel the need to concoct stories that give you an out. Just simply and confidently state why you don’t want to engage in that behavior.

When you start coming up with a ton of excuses you send the message that your position can be argued.

Don’t apologize for saying no.

Keep your word and follow through. Otherwise, you lose more confidence in yourself and your self-esteem suffers. Don’t worry about what’s going to happen because of your negative response.

Prepare To Forget

Somewhere along the line the people pleaser inside you will resurrect itself. It will try to ruin you, but you won’t let it. You won’t let it because you won’t let yourself forget why you killed it in the first place.

Whenever the urge to act against yourself tries to take over you, remember that you are just as important as anyone else. You are just as worthy of wants, needs and desires. You have the right to exist for yourself. No one else has the right to ask you to exist for them.

Prepare yourself for how foreign the word ‘no’ will taste on your tongue.

Guard yourself from the people who are too used to your submission.

Reaffirm to yourself the right to live your life on your terms.

Run away from anyone who expects you to sacrifice your own happiness for them.

Remind yourself that you are a human, just like everyone else.

And, because you are human, you are awesome.

So give your people pleaser the boot and stand tall inside your own awesome human skin. You’re worth it.

{ 29 comments… add one }

  • Chris Soncrant May 1, 2013, 2:17 pm

    Great post Liz! And I can’t wait till you move over to my side of the country! I am so excited for you! Now I apologize for how long this is about to be, but reading your post sent me on my own little rant and I thought I’d share it with you and your peeps.

    Here Goes:

    We all want to please others. That is definitely hard-wired inside us. The ironic thing is that if we try to please everyone we actually hinder our effectiveness at being able to please anyone, especially ourselves. We each have a very unique gift, or gifts, to offer up to this universe, but if we don’t foster these unique gifts and instead try to do everything we can to please everyone we end up not helping anyone at all because we have not helped ourselves.

    By finding out what our strengths are and getting our mind, our words, our actions and our hearts in tune with our strengths we can please a great many people and so much more effectively. So what if you can’t please them all? This is like being mad at yourself for not being able to fix your transmission when it goes kaput. Who does that? It certainly isn’t the majority. I know when my transmission goes out (knock on wood that this doesn’t happen anytime soon) I go to the guy who specializes in fixing transmissions. We are all specialized human beings. We are here to please only a certain amount of people, not everyone. We can do the most pleasing when we please in accordance to our passions.

    It really comes back to that “quality over quantity thing.” If you could give everyone in the world a dollar what good would that really do? What difference would that make in those people’s lives? Not much. Sure you helped everyone, but HOW did you help them? Now what if you took all those dollars and only gave them to a select few individuals, so lets say 10 people get 10 million dollars… that would be a totally different scenario (obviously there are a lot more than 100 million people on the planet, but you get my point… I hope).

    The majority of us on this planet (I can say this with complete surety) tend to dilute ourselves instead of concentrating our powers where they are most powerful and in doing so we end up robbing those people who we could’ve really helped, and therefore we end up doing the opposite of what we want to do (which is please people so we can feel important) by doing what we think we want to do (which is please everyone).

    Focus, quality over quantity, specialization, passion…. these seem to be the cruxes of a MAGICAL life! This also reminds me of the old adage: “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for life.” By trying to please everyone the most we can do is help them on a surface, transitory level, but by trying to please others through our own passions we can really change lives forever. It’s called leverage. One candle can light infinitely more candles and still keep it’s flame as high as it was before it started the lighting process.

    The sun’s energy can only start a fire through a magnifying glass when it is focused. Sure, the ultimate goal is to get all the firewood burning, but that will NEVER happen without the concentrated energy at one single point. By ignoring the majority and focusing on a small area ALL of the fuel gets lit. We can’t help/please everyone DIRECTLY, but by sticking to our guns, knowing ourselves, and manifesting our dreams by passionately and purposefully focusing on our strengths we CAN potentially please everyone through the people we please and through the people who the people we have pleased are pleasing (that’s a twisty one right there!).

    Thanks for the post Liz! You ROCK!!!

    Reply
    • Tammy R May 1, 2013, 9:43 pm

      Wow, Chris. I copied both Liz’s post and your response and will be referring to them as needed. I really, really like you pointing out we’re hard-wired for this type of behavior. You then explain so well what it would behoove us to do! Bravo and thanks!

      Reply
    • Liz May 2, 2013, 10:35 am

      Amen Chris! And that reminds me of something else I like to say when the people pleaser inside me rears it’s ugly head.
      I like to think of helping people, bringing people joy and pleasure as a cousin to sexual pleasure. We can be a bit more promiscuous with the pleasure we bring people outside the bedroom, but the same concept still applies.
      What would your acts mean if you just handed them out with no regard to who you were giving them to, why you were giving them, and whether the people you were giving to deserved them or not.
      Given limited resources, I’d rather give to someone who wants to help themselves than someone who doesn’t care either way.
      And our energy is a limited resource. Our time is a precious resource. You can’t just go handing it out on street corners to any passer-by. What would it be worth *then*?
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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  • Guido May 1, 2013, 2:25 pm

    As a recovering people pleaser, I just wanted to say that this is an excellent blog post. It reminds me of Stephen Fry saying:

    “John Cleese once told me I would never be happy unless I stopped “being so f***ing polite all the time. Like Peter Kingdom, I have spent much of my life trying to please people, trying to be what they wanted me to be rather than what I actually wanted to be. What he meant was that I needed to stand up for myself. So I have done that, and now I consider I have reached the point where – to use my friend’s immortal words – I am no longer quite as f***ing nice as I used to be. Without being rude, of course.”

    Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1194024/STEPHEN-FRY-How-I-lost-stones-just-months.html

    It’s a quote I try to remind myself of on a regular basis. If you want to lead a careless (care free) life, you need to actually care less. Which in turn reminds me of the adapted version of the Serenity Prayer that is used by the AA and other help programs:

    “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.”

    Self esteem and self confidence must and can only come from the self. All other sources are fake or shallow at best and will not sustain you when you need them the most. When you find yourself alone in the dark, you need to make sure you can keep the fire going inside yourself, by yourself.

    Sure, others can help. Nudge, push and shove. But at the end of the day – as Nathaniel Branden explains in The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem – no one is coming.

    Sorry for random brain fart above, but it’s good to see a fresh blog post!

    Reply
    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:08 am

      Guido! I’m so glad to see you here. I didn’t see a brain fart anywhere in your comment anywhere :). Only insightful and full of wisdom lie always.

      I love when Nathaniel says that and I still am amazed that you know and like Nathaniel too. It’s true. No one is coming to save your self-esteem. You’ve got to do that on your own. <3
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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  • Tammy R May 1, 2013, 3:35 pm

    Well, can you see me standing on my chair giving you a standing ovation, Liz?! I loved, loved, loved this post. Why? Well, of course, because I am a recovering people pleaser. I am moved so much by this post that I am going to email it to myself and save it to reread whenever I begin to doubt myself. We live in a society where everyone says, “Give, give, give, and you will feel better.” While I love giving when I can, I gave so much I became physically sick. When I took back my life, I started exercising, eating right, and loving my husband like he deserved to be loved. My life was my own, and I now I love my life! Thank you so much for this important post.

    Reply
    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:12 am

      Oh was that you standing on the chair?! I thought that was my mom since she’s the only one crazy enough to do that. But I think I’ve met her match :).
      Wait…I’m not saying you remind me of my mom, I’m just saying that the only standing ovations I get are from her and my husband when he’s paying attention.
      And you’re not like my husband either.
      Ugh I’m going to stop now and address the matter at hand.

      It’s so true that society measures how good of a person you are by how much of yourself you’re willing to give away to other’s, *especially* if they don’t deserve it. Thinking about that gives me goose bumps. How can we ever expect anyone to be happy if we’re always telling them to deny what makes them happy in favor for what makes others happen, and just hope that someone will return the favor.
      It’s impossible! And your husband deserves more of your love an attention than the random people out there fighting for your time, you’re so right.
      Thank you so much for your heart warming comment Tammy. Also I love love love your blog!
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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  • Chim May 1, 2013, 5:38 pm

    Truly brilliant article. You brutally but honestly stuck the knife in but I can’t really disagree with you.
    Sometimes the truth hurts. It can be hard to find a balance between being nice and being a people-pleaser ; between being a jerk and standing up for yourself. I think you walked the line perfectly.
    Thank you very much.
    Chim recently posted..Finding the Courage to Change Your Career Path – The Change BlogMy Profile

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    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:19 am

      Hi Chim! Thank you so much. And I’m sorry about the hurt, but I can’t say I’m sorry about the knife. Maybe I killed a little bit of the people pleaser inside you.
      It’s really hard to find the balance between being nice and polite and generally agreeable to be around and being a people pleaser. We don’t have any practice determining the difference between the two. In general, it’s always safe to follow your feelings about the whole thing. Your mind will tell you to say yes because that’s what a nice, well-liked people do. But your feelings will always tell you the truth by making your feel anxious or uncomfortable. Don’t ignore them.
      And you can usually avoid coming off as a jerk by just practicing saying no in a non-belligerent manner. It feels like ‘no’ has to be scary when you say it, but it doesn’t. I hope that makes sense Chim!
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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  • Natalie Sisson May 1, 2013, 5:50 pm

    The first impression I got when I met you on our retreat last year was `This Liz lady is so different from the rest’. I loved your quirky attitude, your different thought process and your behaviour. It was totally endearing and unique at the same time.

    So I think you are the foremost expert to give advice on why fitting in is testament to shitting all over your own potential. Loved this post and I completely agree.

    It’s way too easy to say yes to people to please them (did it just the other day if I’m honest about it) or to worry about what people think of you too.

    It’s hard to look past that to working on the things that will create impact and leave a legacy, even if you do come up against opposition along the way.

    Keep on breathing the fire into our bellies to push past any fears and to boldly go in the direction we were made to travel!
    Natalie Sisson recently posted..By: Focus! The Ultimate Guide to Finding Laser-Like Focus in Your Online Business — Think TrafficMy Profile

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    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:28 am

      Nat!
      You know I always took my sense of ‘otherness’ and made it so that I was left out. I always knew I was odd in a way I couldn’t define. I still can’t define it. But now I also don’t hide from it and isolate myself because I’m not sure how to be ‘normal.’
      Being what others’ wanted me to be is not how I got this far, but I had plenty of practice trying to please others while I was figuring that out. And it’s painful when you do all of that pleasing only to find it backfires into an explosion of self-loathing and lack of self-respect.
      Although I can still have a hard time saying no, especially if it’s to one of my beautiful Life Lover’s, but I’m much better at standing my ground now.
      As always, thanks for stopping by. I’m excited for round 2 of the cruise, and I’ll see you in a few months at WDS!

      Liz
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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  • Trevor May 2, 2013, 6:05 am

    Such an AWESOME post Liz! Full of badassery and epic one-liners!

    What you say is so true. Being a chronic people pleaser will always bring us unhappiness. There’s just no way that a life of “yes, yes, yes” is going to be fulfilling (so long as you didn’t read that the wrong way, like I just did).

    You really nailed it when you likened it to cleaning the dog shit off someone’s shoes. The longer you continue to ignore your own wants in favor of someone else’s, the bigger that turd gets. And stickier.

    There’s just so much power in the word “no.” It doesn’t make you an asshole because you say no. It doesn’t mean you don’t love someone. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply means you have enough self-respect to draw the line.

    So good for you.

    Thanks for the inspirational start to my morning Liz! This was just the kick I needed today.

    Cheers!
    p.s. I’m one of those “movie pouters.” Is that why I’m still single?
    Trevor recently posted..Newb’s Stupidly Epic 6 Month Blog Report (With Surprise Ending)My Profile

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    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:30 am

      Trev! Can I call you Trev? Can I please steal the word ‘badassery’ for my own vocabulary? I’ll give you due credit!

      Your p.s. made me laugh! It’s ok, my husband pouts sometimes too, and I only question my choice of mate for a second before deciding it’s worth it. Just a little dash of dry humor. Forgive me. I’m not always as funny out loud as I am in my head.
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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      • Craig September 29, 2013, 2:24 am

        Say “NO!” to that request, Trevor. To both of them!! Be assertive. Stand your ground. Don’t be weak. Don’t be a doormat. Be REAL man!! hahahahah! Just kidding. Great post. Enjoyed reading it. cheers.

        Reply
  • Kevin Cole May 2, 2013, 8:45 am

    Hey Liz,

    This was seriously awesome! I have been battling the people pleasing attitude for a long time. For a lot of people it’s only natural to want the whole world to like them. But by being that nice guy or girl you are doing the world a disservice.

    I originally learned about the “Nice Guy Syndrome” from the dating advice world but as we see here, dudes aren’t the only ones. By putting up boundaries and being yourself to the fullest extent you only let the right people into your life and everyone else can fuck off.

    But at the same time it doesn’t make you a douche. It just makes you a human being who openly expresses their feelings. I certainly needed this refresher. Thanks Liz!
    Kevin Cole recently posted..9 Lessons Learned From My First BusinessMy Profile

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    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:34 am

      You are so very welcome Kevin! And you’re right about not having to be a douche.
      In fact, it’s not so much that women like bad boys. It’s that women don’t want puppets. They want men who are sure of themselves and confident. It’s just hard to find anything between really nice guy and bad boy, as if men feel like there are only two choices.
      Sorry for the tangent. I’m toying with the idea of a relationship post. God knows I have the experience…
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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      • Kevin Cole May 2, 2013, 6:06 pm

        It is definitely tough to find a dude whose not the “bad boy” but is also not a complete pushover. (For girls I mean lol)

        As far as a relationship post goes I say go for it!! I also have some unique experience with dating and relationships. If you’ve ever read “The Game” then you’ll know what kind of craziness I was getting myself into. It’s a longggg story but one day I’m going to make an epic blog post about it.
        Kevin Cole recently posted..9 Lessons Learned From My First BusinessMy Profile

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  • yazzie May 2, 2013, 9:00 am

    This is an awesome blog. Even in reading this blog i could see how my mind was asking do i have the right to not want to please others and the answer is YES. I do have the right, i am not choiceless in the matter and ultimately if we keep sacrificing ourselves to please others constantly, we never empower them to start thinking for themselves and finding solutions to their problems tasks that they constantly need help with. Human nature is such that if you keep giving and do not step back and ask the question whether the person you are giving to has become dependant on you for doing so we are enabling that person.

    Reply
    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:38 am

      You speak the truth yazzie. Being an enabler makes you an accomplice of sorts.

      Think about a baby bird who doesn’t get pushed out of the next by it’s mother. It continues to ask for worms, and she continues to oblige so her little chicks will lover her.

      Then one day the mother bird get’s eaten my a…dolphin?…and the baby bird is left to die. If the mother bird would have just said no and pushed the little bugger out of the nest, he could have fended for himself.

      Sorry about the horrible nature references. I’m not a nature person as of yet unfortunately. I’m pretty sure dolphins don’t eat birds, but to be honest I’m not 100% sure. So there’s that.
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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  • Ollie May 2, 2013, 10:49 am

    Another hard-hitting post by our Liz. Thank you. Thank you kindly. :-)

    Reply
    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:34 am

      Love you Ollie <3

      Reply
  • Jo Moore May 2, 2013, 11:12 am

    This is so me. I was reading along, nodding, nodding, nodding. Glad I stumbled upon this now, because it’s something that came up in my coaching call today. Thanks again, Liz, for another deep, true true true article.

    Reply
    • Liz May 2, 2013, 11:39 am

      Jo! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you on here. So glad that you’re back. Who are you coaching with? I hope you’re well :).

      Oh and you’re welcome!
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

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      • Jo Moore May 2, 2013, 11:58 am

        Hey Liz!

        Yeah, I’ve been trying to cut down on the time I spend reading blog posts! But I had to pop over and see what you’ve done – your posts are always bang on and so thorough. My coach is Iris Barzen of Bright Little Socks. She’s awesome :) Hope you’re well! <3
        Jo Moore recently posted..A Pep Talk: Dare To Like YourselfMy Profile

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  • Brian May 2, 2013, 1:44 pm

    Joinin’ the chorus. Nothing beats a loving dose of raw truth served up Seda-style.

    I’m thinking how in certain areas, my boundaries used to be less like stakes in the ground and more of those movable velvet ropes at the movie theatre (kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?). But in terms of boundaries, it’s a triple win when you stand true. You reinforce your self-respect, you repel many of those you don’t want around you anyway and you find yourself attracting more of the people who have and respect healthy boundaries–the kind of people you actually want in your life.

    Don’t know if I ever said this before, but never have I known anyone who could use the word “shit” (and its many derivations and varieties) in such intelligent, profound and empowering ways. Don’t ever change, Liz.

    Here’s to the passionate exploration of the feeling of “otherness,” to embracing our inner desire to be happily “odd” and see life from a totally unique, creative and powerful perspective that the world might otherwise miss. A personal aspiration and why I’m so damned pleased of the fact that you’re not normal. ;-)

    Reply
    • Liz May 3, 2013, 1:33 pm

      Haha Seda-style. I love it. Kind of like Gangnam Style, but less hip thrusting. And great point well said about the triple win.

      I do find that ‘shit’ is a very thought provoking word for me. Especially when used in conjunction with an animal you don’t expect to be referenced and you don’t know what their ‘shit’ looks like.

      Panda poo for example. No idea. Tiger shit? Leaves one wondering….

      (see above for further proof of my otherness)
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

      Reply
  • karen crossett May 3, 2013, 8:27 am

    Our greatest challenge is to reconnect to our authenticity and integrity. People pleasing is a journey away from self, a self denying path, relying only on the validation and acceptance of other people. People pleasing runs parallel with low self-esteem. We all do it but I would rather experience the individual unfolding-expressing and being, than living from fear.

    Reply
    • Liz May 3, 2013, 1:30 pm

      Well said Karen! People pleasing is self-denial at it’s best (or worst depending on how you look at it). You’re always in trouble if you depend on external stimuli for your self esteem since it’s so totally out of your control. That puts people pleasers in a cycle of seeking validation and then having low self-esteem when they don’t get it causing further searching for validation externally. A hard cycle to break.
      Liz recently posted..Why You Can’t Be a People Pleaser Without Also Being a FraudMy Profile

      Reply
  • Glenn Mungra March 2, 2014, 7:06 am

    Great post Liz. I can clearly see that you really know the personal integrity that you love.

    Reply

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